I wish I was skinnier. I want to be skinnier. And so far, I've only gotten fatter. It's so depressing that every time I say I want to lose weight, I don't end up doing it. I try not to eat, but I get so hungry...and the only thing easy to get to is junk food. What am I going to do? 

Thinspo is depressing. I feel horrible. :( 

I think I need to break up with him. My mom mentioned something that makes me feel terrible; it's better to be with someone that is new, like me, because to C this probably isn't special- it's all been there and done that, whereas, he's my first boyfriend- it'll mean more to me than it does to him which makes me feel really bad. I deserve someone that's going to feel the same way about me.

I just hope I find that person. Really, really hope. 

This baby is back on. 

I am trying to start fresh. I'm scared, but it's going to happen whether I like it or not- things change, people grow, move, fall down, get back up...

It's time for me to grow a little, get a life. I've started looking for a job, but not really looking because I want one, but looking because my moms been up my butt. However, I know if I want money I'm going to have to work for it, one way or another. 

I've got a boyfriend now, which I think complicates things sometimes. We've been together for about 2, 3 months. He's 18, two years older. He honestly isn't the hottest thing around but he gets cuter and cuter every time I see him... But he's really smart. Well, book smart and street smart...not life smart, though. I think I know more about life and people than he does. Anyways, I'm keeping this blog about me. Me, me, me. Not being selfish, just being real. At some times in life, you and God are all you really have. You have doubts. Sometimes you're alone, and that's okay, you just need to know how to be alone, and be happy. It gives you time to figure out what you really want. I need to get there again...I think I've lost myself. Here we go...on my way to find some confidence and self-love. Weeee. 

Wish me luck. 

Actually, forget that. I won't need it. 

xoxo, A-love. 

everyday, i stare at these pictures

I torture myself, because I know no matter how hard I wish I'll never have their hair. Ever. Because my hair is mine... It's so easy to be them- no one knows whats its like to struggle in the morning, or stress over how shitty your hair looks that day or get dissed by BLACK GUYS because your hair is the way it is. I love my hair- when it behaves, when is actually looks good. It's just not fair that we get stuck with this crap while everyone else is walking around with model hair. I dont have the worst, but i dont have the best either. Deep down...I love my hair, but I can't help but think it isnt fair. 

i wonder how safe this is; probably not safe at all, anyone can see my posts, what i'm feeling and thinking... maybe i should stop. maybe i should deactivate this blog. i dont know who's seeing this. maybe it's someone i know, maybe it's someone i dont want to see it. maybe you're someone evil who thinks i'm naive enough not to realize this is public and anyone can see it and you dont think i would think about weird people seeing my blog. i've thought about it. i don't know if i'm going to change it; there are many strange people all around me; every time i step outside, every time go to school, the mall, the grocery store...there are people with secrets, dark secrets- the lady you bump into, the mother struggling with 4 kids, the tall man with big circular classes, stripped shirt and a mustache...i am constantly around crazies for all i know, so what's the difference? 

then again, i'm not telling them my secret thoughts, my insecurities, my wishes or goals; guess that's the risk we have to take.